I see it
with clients again and again. Relentlessly putting the needs of others before
their own needs resulting in spiritual exhaustion and resentment. There seems
to me to be an epidemic of the belief that one’s needs do not matter.
Self-denial then leads to weariness and, often, depression.
For a nice
southern girl like me, this argument is counter-intuitive. We are taught early
on that self-denial is a virtue. And, in some circumstances, it is. But when we
consistently do for others what they are perfectly capable of doing for
themselves, self-denial is a soul sickness.
A few weeks
ago it was a mother seeking to manage the family schedule, earn a living, teach
Sunday school, be of service to some young women she mentors, get exercise, and
work on her spiritual disciplines. The result was that she felt she wasn’t
doing anything well. Over-extended, she sat in my office feeling depleted. “Is
it okay for me to say no?” she asked.
This week
it was a middle-aged father, providing well for his family, participating in
the activities of his children, addressing the lengthy honey-do list handed him
by his wife, and caring for his aging parents. “Is it wrong for me to want a
little attention for myself?” he wondered.
At times
like these I’d like to raise my voice and shout: Please say no! Please ask for
what you need! How can we possibly give with any fullness of heart or any sense
of joy if we are consistently putting the needs of others ahead of our own?
It is time,
friends, for a little selfishness here. There is a vast difference between what
I call “productive selfishness” and pathological, or morbid, selfishness.
Productive selfishness is about developing one’s gifts and embracing pursuits
which bring pleasure. These pleasurable experiences are really about living
into the authentic self, developing creativity, and expanding natural gifts.
Joyous selfishness is about living into the fullness of who you are.
Many of us
have spent years taking care of the needs of others: our children, our parents,
our spouses, our employers. While responsibility and accountability are
necessary, there seems to be an over emphasis on self-sacrifice and a vacuum
where self-fulfillment should dwell.
It is time
now to receive the full self, in all its wonder, while embracing a kind of
selfishness which our work-driven culture doesn’t recognize. This productive
selfishness enhances who we are, giving us energy, vision, and hope.
Ultimately, it enables us to give of our best self. This is very different from
morbid selfishness which leads us to turn in on ourselves, always wanting more,
a stranger to wonder and joy.
A bold
embrace of self enables us to truly offer the whole self, from the heart, in
service and love in a most freeing manner, unconnected to duty or guilt. Take
some time, friends, for selfishness.
