I
have a long, deep relationship with shame. Childhood trauma made shame my close
companion; it ruled me for most of my life.
Shame
is defined as “the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something
dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another.” I find
this definition so interesting. Shame is defined as painful. And can be brought on by either one’s own actions or the actions of another.
In
my case, the actions were those of my abuser. But the feelings I had, of being
deeply flawed, unworthy, and unlovable were a
way of being. These deep-seated beliefs were part of my very being,
something I constantly carried with me. Shame then, is not so much about doing
something wrong or inadequate. It is more of a feeling that “I am wrong.” “I am
inadequate.” This is toxic shame. Brene Brown says that guilt is the feeling
that you made a mistake, while shame is the feeling that you ARE a mistake.
Does this sound familiar to anyone?
The
only relief I found was in accomplishment. Perfectionism became a way of life.
I felt I had to be perfect to be beyond fault, to be acceptable. So, on top of
the weight of shame, I laid the weight of perfectionism. My energy was consumed
in figuring out the right thing, instead of living joyfully as myself.
By
my late thirties I found myself trapped in an oppressive marriage, not pursuing
my career for fear of what it would do to my already shaky marriage, worried
about what my choices might do to my children, I allowed shame, and the
resultant fear, to paralyze me. I had allowed shame to completely drive a wedge
between my authentic self and who I thought I should be. I was fragmented by
shame.
I
limited my own choices for fear of making a mistake. My desire to be seen as
perfect caused me to hide my true self, keeping me from expressing myself. As
Christiane Northrup writes in Goddesses Never Age, “shame can get us
stuck in every sort of emotion and behavior that can hold us back. Because
we’re often afraid of being shamed for not being a “good” person, or for being
disloyal, we don’t prioritize our desires and instead focus on pleasing
everyone else.” We may even do this, put everyone ahead of ourselves, to the
point where we don’t even know what it is we want or need.
So
how did I release this burden? Much of the relief I found through a therapy
called EMDR, which is a trauma therapy first developed to help veterans
suffering from PTSD. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and
Reprocessing. Using eye movements similar to REM sleep, the therapy deals directly
with traumatic memories. The eight step process transforms the meaning of
painful events on an emotional level. My understanding is that this is not only
an emotional transformation but also a physical transformation of the brain.
The nervous system itself becomes healthier.
I
did EMDR therapy after some intensive talk therapy and after practicing
meditation for a few years. My feeling is that the combination of these things
lead me to tremendous freedom from the burden of toxic shame I’d carried for years.
Last
week I encountered a shame bubble. This wasn’t the “I am in a complete pit”
kind of shame I used to suffer. At first, I couldn’t even name the emotion.
This was different so from TOXIC shame that I failed to recognize it as shame.
I felt restless. The situation was triggered by an unkind comment from someone
else. In the aftermath of the comment, I was having a hard time connecting with
compassion for her and began telling myself I should be beyond this by now.
Whenever I “should” myself I find self-judgment and shame not far behind.
My
feelings of shame were so vague, so dull when compared to the tidal wave I used
to feel that I didn’t know what was going on. It was confusing to me. Then I
spiraled a little. One day I was irritable, the next day I was having sinus
problems, the next my whole back was tight and sore. I was like “what is going
on?”
Christiane
Northrup talks about a direct link between shame and body health: “the more
critical and unforgiving we are toward ourselves, the more miserable and sick
we’re apt to be. The body has a remarkable ability to manifest shame as illness
or physical problems, because the hurt of shame registers in the brain in
exactly the same way physical pain does.”
My
self-judgment, that I should be past judging others, created a shame
response—far milder than the toxic shame I lived with for so many years so that
I didn’t recognize it—which created physical discomfort. My lack of compassion
for another lead to a lack of compassion for the self. The solution is, of
course, a practice of self-compassion. Compassion for my own humanity, for my
limited nature, for the fact that I am still learning and growing and will for
the rest of my life.
Kindness
toward self can lift that shame. A metta, or loving-kindness meditation,
practice brings relief.
What
are you afraid to change in your life because you think you might be shamed for
making a mistake? Is the desire to be seen as perfect keeping you from
expressing yourself?
Finally,
here is a loving-kindness meditation practice you can do on your own behalf.
Traditional metta practice offers meditation first for the self, then for
someone we are close to, followed by practice for an acquaintance, and then for
our “difficult” person, ending with another round of practice for the self.
Petitions for each person are done three times. When dealing with painful
issues on behalf of the self, I suggest limiting your loving-kindness practice
to the self. Focus only upon yourself, repeating the series three times. Then
rest in your quiet heart-space for a bit before ending your practice for the
day.
May I be
filled with loving-kindness.
May I be
healthy and strong.
May I feel
calm and at ease.
May I know
peace.
© 2015 Janet Tuck
