This weekend I am immersed in “Total Surrender Bootcamp.” You see, I’ve been working on some things in my life for some months now and finding no movement on any issue. I’ve been trying to do my part, take action, pray. But it is now as if I’m facing a wide, dense fog before me and I cannot see down the metaphorical road. So on Friday I decided to spend the weekend by ceasing the search, taking no action on any front, crying “uncle,” and intentionally giving up.
The details of all this are fairly mundane. I’ve been looking for a job for some months. I’ve made progress, had interviews and second interviews. I’ve met with headhunters and followed their advice. I’ve met lovely, generous people who have assisted me and advised me and passed my resume along. I’ve been truly humbled by the many people who want to help me.
Other areas of my life that are fuzzy include the health of a beloved family member and a budding friendship that took a surprising turn. Last week, with layers of emotion greeting the anniversary of my mother’s death, I just felt like: “really, I have no idea.” Done, empty, spiritually stripped to the bone. So I thought, “why not go with that, with complete and total surrender?”
I’ve spent the weekend wallowing in my own powerlessness. Powerless over hiring decisions, a loved one’s health, the relationship choices of others, and many other things, I’ve been sitting in my own inability to force movement.
Total Surrender Bootcamp has been a weekend practice facing this reality. I’ve been writing extensively about the things I want in my life, ways I am powerless over them, and the fears that I have which hold me back. Looking at my fears has been particularly helpful as it has revealed the ways I undermine myself, especially in the area of my relationships. I call this experience “bootcamp” because I have poured myself into it with hours of writing, meditation, and reading Thom Rutledge’s very helpful book, Embracing Fear.
What is happening is that I am seeing some patterns to address, finding great relief from fear, and I am living very much in the moment. All good and helpful things. Where Total Surrender Bootcamp will lead after this weekend, I have no idea. But it has helped me return fully to the very uncertain road I am traveling. And for that, I am profoundly grateful.
And after these hours of reflection and struggle, one idea returns over and over: how can I be Love? I have no answers to this but I do have a choice. How can I be Love in this day, this situation, with the people I encounter day to day? That one thought makes the uncertain road just a bit clearer.
If I can help you with your own version of Total Surrender Bootcamp, please don’t hesitate to email me.