I have a friend in the process of divorce. Married for over
two decades, he is struggling to understand what has happened to his marriage
and grappling with his part in its demise. I saw him last spring, when we
discussed this soul searching. His anguish over his role in the breakdown of
the marriage was palpable and at one point he said to me, “I need her to
forgive me.”
My response to him was that he has no power over whether his
soon-to-be ex-wife forgives him or not. The larger question for both his current
and future peace of mind is this: can he forgive himself?
I’ve thought for some time that a key developmental task of
middle age is to learn self-forgiveness. It sounds so easy, yet is so very
hard. Like many of us, I am my own worst critic. I would never speak to another
person the way I speak to myself. This harsh inner voice is a burden and keeps
me from joy, from intimacy, from fully living. Like my friend going through the
divorce, it is far easier to look for forgiveness from another than to delve
into the murky depths where I might claim it for myself.
I am not speaking here of lightly dismissing when we wound
others. We are, after all, so limited by our own humanity. When we wound others
we offer our apologies, acknowledge our shortcomings, and then move on. Most
powerfully, this involves giving up the
need to be right. Because being right really doesn’t matter. When we let go
of the need to be right, we suddenly have all the freedom to be our true,
human, hurt, limited self.
When we can forgive ourselves our own mistakes and
shortcomings, they take on the power of
opportunity. Now we are offered the magical moment to really learn and
grow. Mistakes, limitations, short-comings are simply grace in disguise. When
we can get past the fact of our limitation, the fact that we are not perfect,
that is when we can rest in grace and really learn. And amazingly, that is the
moment we become our most true selves. That is the moment when we start to fly.
It is then that we live into God and shine.
How can you begin the process of forgiving yourself today?
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